I did pretty well on the SATs. Overall, I scored a total of 1240. My math prowess was extraordinarily underwhelming, and in fact I'm quite surprised it even entered the triple-digit realm. However, my verbal skills were something else, apparently, having ushered my overall score up over the realm of failure to which it would surely have been doomed had I not scored so well. Which is why I'm fairly confident that the following example of an analogy is entirely correct.
Me : Maintaining Personal Finances
General Custer : The Battle of Little Bighorn
Now while my legacy won't be to go down in a barrage of arrows in one of the greatest blunders in history, it will not far too short of that mark should I persist in my ways. Currently, I have an allotted monthly budget of... oh wait, I don't know. I haven't taken the time to figure out my monthly salary, minus my monthly bills. That's right folks - I wing it every month! And until now, that has been a good policy. But with a current net worth of -$180.00 as of eleven o' clock this morning, I do believe my financial strategy has encountered a hiccup.
Which is why I spent fifteen dollars I did not have today on a twelve pack of Butternuts Beer & Ale.
Their presentation is what has been torturing me to purchase their product for months. When first the product arrived in my store, I thought to myself: "Now what sort of boxed wine is this?". Because surely, with its pastel blue coloring and Ode to Agriculture attitude, I thought surely that this had to have been wine. But when the truck driver haphazardly dropped the two cases onto his hand-truck, that tell-tale clatter of aluminum awoke that beast not-so-deep within me that seeks out any sound related to beer.
Upon further inspection, I discovered that not only was this adorably decorated box filled with beer, but - at least ostensibly - with beer that had gone beyond the macro adjunct lagers that are usually housed in aluminum. There are four different styles in the variety pack; the Moo Thunder Stout, Snapperhead IPA, Porkslap Pale Ale, & Heinnieweisse Weissebier, which is a Hefeweizen.
My hop-murdered palate, its Stockholm Syndrome acting up, proceeded to eyeball the fish on the (it's still weird to say it) can of IPA really caught my attention. I thought to myself: "Someday, these cans shall adorn my fridge!"
My co-workers and friends' first instinct upon exposure to these beers were that it was, quote, "The Spam of Craft Beers!"
Well, this afternoon, with the knowledge that I had enough money so that if someone gave me two crisp one hundred dollar bills, I would have twenty dollars, I was inspired. When man is broke, man often makes sacrifices in their various luxuries in order that they might save money. And one such spending sacrifice is one that my nana had taught us all as children; when you earn pittance, don't eat ham; eat Spam.
Unfortunately, I had devised my own interpretation of this septuagenarian's motto. I decided to apply the principals of my Financial Plan, and spend $15 of the $40 I have to carry me over the next two weeks on this 12-pack, and drown myself not only in debt but in Butternuts: The Spam of Craft Beer!
In front of me me, perspiring on a stack of envelopes containing unpaid bills, is a cool can of Butternuts' Moo Thunder Stout. With an approximate ABV of 4.9%, Butternuts has already convinced me of their Outside the Box view of beer, as Stouts are traditionally somewhere in the ballpark of 7% ABV - nothing Thunderous about the punch behind this. However, what it lacks in drunkability, it makes up for in its subtle yet ever-present flavor, filled with rich malt character, reminiscent of a slightly more masculine Mendocino Black Hawk Stout. I have not given myself the luxury of a glass to observe this beer's appearance, nor does my 20/100 vision and colorblindness really grant me the luxury of providing you an accurate description. I must say, however, that to see a dark residual spill of stout building up in the rim on top of the can is a curious sight. |
